Running For God or From God?

On October 14th my world came crashing to a halt. I had been so worried/excited about my volleyball game that I failed to check my cell phone for messages all day. When we stopped at a service station, as we were making our trip back to school on the bus from Topsail, I noticed a new text message on my phone. The words just seemed unreal. Tim had lost his job. What was happening!

Tim and I have spent the last 6 years, moving from place to place. Granted, each move has had some rhyme or reason, it all ends up in a jumbled heap of facts that sound more like a bad adventure than a life. We've lived in 7 different houses in 5 different cities in 6 years. In all but one year, we either moved or had a baby. We've lived with my brother and his family, my parents (twice), and are now living with Tim's mom and grandparents (in the apartment that adjoins our house). We've slept on mattresses on the floor, air mattresses, and couches. We've stayed in basements, 2nd floors, and a dining room divided with a curtain for privacy. We've put in 3 new dishwashers. We've painted 20 different rooms. We have 2 children born in 2 different states who have attended 3 different daycares.

When Tim's job was taken, it led to the question: Have we been running for God or from God? I can't answer that question. So many times along this journey, I have felt that each step was toward a closer perfect plan that God has for us, but did God really call us to move halfway around the country and move this many times to follow Him? Does this madness really equal God's will? When I have said in that past that a peak into the future might scare me, it was the understatement of the year! If I had been told on my graduation day what my future held with all of these different moves, I would have quickly bolted to the closest employment office and asked for a job in a permanent location without the freedom to leave! I would have never signed up for this had I known the logistics of this journey, but the emotional bond that was created throughout this journey has poured a foundation for our future in Christ.

Although Tim and I loved each other on our wedding day, it does not hold a candle to the love that we have for each other today, nor the spiritual and emotional bond we have formed. There have been dark days of uncertainty, but for 99% of our journey, the Lord has enabled us to grow closer to each other through Him. He has carved a path through the mountains and the valleys and bridged the rivers and reguided our misfortunes.

Tim has been called by the Lord to seek out a new vocation, to make ministry is full time work. Have the paths we've followed brought us to this new path of ministry further along the journey or have the paths brought us back full circle to begin again, the path of God's wonderful plan? I guess it is like an illustration I heard one time, about a man running into the woods. How far can he run into the woods before he begins running out of the woods? Halfway...for when he gets halfway, he is then running out of the woods. Did we begin running back to God halfway through our journey?

Has our journey been one of coming back to the Father or has the journey been a parallel of God's plan all along? Are we just meeting another fork in the road that offers the opportunity to change paths? Would the path we are on now continue to take us in the same direction? Sure, we can continue a close relationship with God without taking the new course, but what opportunities are on this new path? Would we spend another 6 years wandering in the wilderness? Have we spent 6 years in the wilderness? Did we spend 3 years running from God, and 3 years running back?

All I know is that we have been broken before the Lord. Sometimes it takes our brokenness to be reshaped by the potter's hand. The Lord has His hands on us and He will continue to shape us in the direction He would have us go. Does that mean God is preparing us for more venturing or a new life of settled restlessness? I do not want a peak into the future anymore because our 6 year journey in retro is much easier than a 2 year glimpse of speculation. I am broken and ready for Him to use me, even if I must stay in the fire a while longer.